31/07/2011 2 Comments
In the cockpit, Captain Obama moved nervously in his seat. US Economy flight 2011 was about half way through its journey. After several hours of initial turbulence the ride had been smooth but Obama sensed that the excitement of the night was not yet over.
In the seat to his right sat Co-Pilot Mitch McConnell who was now starting on his fourth in-flight steak dinner. He had mashed potato on his nose and gravy on his collar. Captain Obama, observed him and sighed deeply. Since becoming Captain in 2008, Obama had been forced to work closely with Co-Pilot McConnell and he couldn’t help feeling that McConnell had been less focused on ensuring smooth flights for US Economy and more focused on being an asshole.
The jolt was sudden. McConnell’s steak dinner hit the cockpit roof and suddenly the plane was diving.
Captain Obama grabbed the controls and tried to pull the nose up.
“Mitch! Mitch! Help me pull up!”
Co-Pilot McConnel was trying to reach the remainder of his mashed potato which was now stuck to the flight controls above his head.
“We can pull out of this dive but I need your help. We just both need to pull on the controls together.”
McConnell thought for a moment. “Ok. I could help you stop this plane crashing, but what are you going to do for me?”
“I mean, I could stop this plane crashing but I want something out of it too.”
Obama pulled hard on the controls. “What are you talking about? If the plane crashes it isn’t just bad for me, it’s bad for you and all of the people who put their faith in the two of us for being able to fly the plane.”
“Yeah, but it will be worse for you if it crashes.”
“What!!?” screamed Obama, “It will be disastrous for all of us.”
“Yeah, but history will show you were Captain when the plane crashed. It’s much worse for you – you will be remembered for this.”
“Well, what do you want?”
While McConnell considered, the plane lost another 20,000ft. “I want you to cut the price of our first-class tickets.” he said.
“Mitch, we’ve been over this. US Economy Airlines is losing money hand over fist. We need to raise our income, not reduce it.”
“No, we just need to spend less on plane maintenance.”
The plane continued to plummet towards the US Federal Reserve.
“Look,” said Obama, barely able to contain his frustration, “Could we not just stop the plane crashing now and talk about this afterwards. The two things aren’t even related.”
Co-Pilot McConnell engaged the intercom and addressed the panicking passengers:
“I want to help pull this plane up but Captain Obama won’t co-operate and cut the price of first-class tickets.”
Captain Obama engaged the intercom:
“I want to help pull this plane up but Co-Pilot McConnell wants me to make concessions which have no bearing on the current problem.”
“I want to pull this plane up but Captain Obama is a poopey pants.”
“I want to pull this plane up but Co-Pilot McConnell is a poopey face.”
“I’m not a poopey face – you’re a poopey brain!”
“I’m not a poopey brain, you are!”
“No, you are!”
And as their plane dived closer and closer to the ground the passengers stopped screaming and wondered why they had asked these two to fly their plane in the first place.